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手臂強化計劃2.0beta

Fear blasted out when the posterman came, the amplified pumping actions just lost its control, consequening a very long torture

I almost forgot why I had to move my diary here
open diary is definitely a channel for distant friends to update you from time to time, but there is hesitation whether or not to write something very deep and genuine. Some say that I should own 2 diaries, hell, then I'd better really write than type.

Almost overwheled by the boredem, I kept on thinking what my future should be. Shall I be happy ending up in a bizman? Faking out on the phone without knowing how freaky the one maybe on biz? I like to see something alive, face to face dialogue and interactive conversation with facial expressions. Customer Service & Sales, they are what I would like to work for finally. The presistent hunting of mkt work maybe a proof of my super-ego. Of cuz, ending up as an inspector may not be ideal after hearing the gossip, but I have to feed my curious

To comprehend such a simple stuff wouldn't have to kill so many days, I've a schedule of "unemployment weekday" sarcasticly and I tried all my best to fit into to. It works, and more sarcasticly that I was not able to attend any interview for christ sake. Rugby, gout...just like the menstruation once a year, of cuz the period of time will last longer on ratio to the frequency.

You recognize my flaw now? I was supposed to write the reason for moving and I didn't intent to give in preface. Let's get it straight, Keith. Keith, the guy I dumped and miss in intervals. Having realized the value of competition might bring along, I missed him badly to the point that I wanted him back after he told me that he has engaged into a new relationship.

Sure we have had sweet time, those good memories push us to lingered for a year of time and amazingly that I haven't cut off cleanly with him, with the violation of the practice to trade off the feeling of guilty and to minimize the impact of splite up. Tragical to see him giving up his life, I avoided to get involved into new relationships before him despite the loss to miss my perfect match Siu Kit. Nothing meant more than Keith at that time but I just simply lack of confident to be his bf, or I'm too confident that I would fuck up again.

Since you might notice, I wrote online diary cuz I wanted to report my current life with him indirectly, just like exchanging diary, we wrote for each other like a dialogue or a letter. We were pretty close to pairing up again that time but I didn't dare and bare to.

He is a simple and adorable sweetie, cute yet masculine, gentle and polite, respectful, easy-going and generous. He has kindest attitude and pretty smile running down of my list of x. He is not materialistic, nor picky (that's why he chose me, the worst decision he has had made in his life), all he demands is my time and concentration which nail me right the clout. I can give all I process except freedom, and loyalty to him. I just couldn't suppress the itching thought in crashing different guys like a slut. Terrible and synpathetic. tbc...

now obviously I don't deserve such a good guy,nonetheless I was the one who decided to leave ironically. I was also the one who felt like being stabbed while reading his sweet diary about how lovely his bf is. He might not know how many guys I have turned down cuz of him but that's the only thing I could ease the guilt I have. since the old diary is open in icq and those guys would think either too positive or negative about the feeling I have to them, ya know, some anticipated that I am too cruel to overlook a rejection of a confession since I haven't mentioned it in my diary. other way round, few guys thought that they still have chance as I didn't reject it formally in diary...god...do I really need to publish it on newspaper?

since I want my diary be genuine, I didn't want to hide my feeling in violation to my principle, including the feeling towards Keith, my informal little brother. Mum has asked about why he didn't come and say happy birthday to her this year...mum, this is not the time he concerns about your b-day but his future. I admitted that I am self-preservated and I always don't want to get hurt which may trouble people around me. Now he's happy and there is no big different with and without me around him, and he will leave here too......it maybe a good time to cut it now. Thought I would fly to him if there is necessitation to do so.

Its good if you found this piece of diary messy and hard to understand. I am still involved in the incident and not yet mature enough to round it up in a nice way. But at least I kept my promise to tell you about the thing between me and keith. Thanks for all of you who care about my affection and me.